you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
