she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
