Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
