I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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