I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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