He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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