we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
