i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
