Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
