i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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