break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
