This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
