Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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