I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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