Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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