I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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