I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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