she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
