just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
