I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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