Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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