In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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