how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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