ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
