My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
