also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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