I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
