Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
