this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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