what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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