i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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