just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
