My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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