As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
