Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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