the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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