He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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