I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Be still, my beating vagina.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
