please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
