Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
