The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
