Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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