A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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