just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
