I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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