So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i came on her dog
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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