how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
