you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
