Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
