thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
