Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
