It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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