i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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