I just cut my nipple shaving
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
