hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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