Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
