my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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