seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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