She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
